Out There 1
by MistressKitty-chibi
Summary: Rogue's life looks like it might come together just when it falls apart


Title: Out There I: I Could Use a Friend

Author: MistressKitty

Email: PG+

Summary: Post X1, Rogue heads for trouble with Wolverine gone, POV Rogue

Archive: WRFA, anybody else, just ask nice

Disclaimer: The music is a re-genderized "Out There" by Sister Hazel. Marvel; Stan the Man own everything else- including my soul.

Thanks: Anne, the Ambers, and WhiteShadow

I know what it's like to leave, to hide from reality. In fact, I've gotten quite good at running- the trail of pain and suffering I'm leaving behind makes it easier. As a child, I always had a tree house, someplace to run to when real life got too hard. Logan, I mean Wolverine, on the other hand, has never even had a home. He obviously thinks that he has no ties to anyplace or any person. He's too scared to deal with what he needs most; he's running because he is a coward. Eventually, I ran because he wasn't one.

/If he's out there somewhere, somewhere

I would give anything to know/

When we met, there were obvious sparks between us, he, the older man, gruff, yet tender as only I saw. And then there was me, the petite, underage Rogue. It could have been beautiful, it could have been perfect. (He is the only one I can /really/ touch. Only for a little while, but for me, touch is everything.) But now, instead of him, I have this chain of dog tags and a lame promise that he'll be back for them. Someday. I don't even know where he is. Maybe 'we' are not a 'we' at all- never were, never will be. Maybe this is all some disgusting nightmare. It could never really work; he'd be called a pedophile, and I'd be his little sex child. Everything has to go so wrong.

/Just to hold and to finally have him

Take me to sunrise from indigo/

As much as I hate to admit it at this point, Wolverine made me happy. I knew that he would protect me, and that even if the world came to an end because of me, he would still be my friend. I've never had that confidence in anyone else. It should count for something, but in my gut, I know that he is never coming back. So, I decided to start dating. I'll leave my love behind. I weeded my way through the limited number of male students relatively quickly. My first date post-mutation is with John: Pyro. Not my first choice, but I've got low expectations. All I'm hoping for is that he won't set me on fire.

/If it's to be

That there is no one for me

I would try not to cry much

So no one'll see/

That little hunk of cheese tried to make a pass at me. Does he have a frigging death wish or something? And now there's a hole in one of my favorite scarves. Luckily, Bobby saw the predicament, and iced me down while whacking John on the head. Several times. But Bobby and John are not the point. Wolverine is the point. He broke his promise. He said that he would always be there to take care of me. Well, I saw how long that lasted. Does he save such big lies for all the pretty girls like Jean or just me? I've been stupid and gullible and love sick, and just plain old sick. My life is not going anywhere too happy too frigging fast. Forget Wolverine.

/If it's to be

That there is anyone for me

Our hearts will shine

So everyone'll see/

Since Bobby saved me from a fiery death and all, I figured I should allow him one evening of my time. We played fooz ball. How romantic. I suck at that game anyway, so he won like fourteen games in a row, and then he started letting me win. I hate that. If I am bad at something, I should never be allowed to do it well all of the sudden. I have to work at things. It's one of those rules of life. One that gets broken by my powers, given the chance. I told all of this to Bobby, and when he still 'accidentally' moved his goalie, I told him to screw this and went back to my room to cry into my pillow. How come all the guys here are such doofs?

/I've got some time

So maybe if you're free

I could use a friend

Just to talk to me…/

Kitty kept asking me if I was all right. I guess it was because I kept crying myself to sleep at night and all that. So, anyway, I told her and Jubes that I was all weepy because I missed Logan. Kitty giggled, but Jube shoved her so she stopped. I told them that I really did think we were good for each other, and that he wasn't as old as he seemed, and after all, I'll be twenty-one in two years. "But if he never came back, all that was pointless to think about, and get my hopes up. But I can't help it. I think I love him." Kitty giggled again, and for one moment I wondered if I was telling the wrong people. Jubilee seemed the most concerned, and said in a low voice, "I think you should date guys your own age." And then I said, "I have been" and I held up the ruined scarf that I happened to be wearing. Kitty hiccoughed, and then fell off her bed. Thanks guys, for all the help. I really appreciate it.

/If he's out there somewhere, somewhere

I would give anything to know

Just to hold and to finally have him

Take me to sunrise from indigo/

Yesterday, John hung himself in his bathroom. Bobby found him, and also found out (from a note or something) that I was the last one to see him, and that I told John to "get away from me". Today, Storm lead a group meeting about our loss. How John was an essential member of our team, and that everyone here would really miss him. Storm told us that if we were considering suicide or feeling depressed, then we should see an adult that we trust. She pointedly said that if everyone listens to each other, and is considerate, we can have a much more wholesome environment. Everyone stared at me. They all think that his death is my fault. I'm beginning to believe them.

/But I'm getting older now

I'm thinking about my end

And to leave without love

Without a friend/

What kind of an idiot am I? I should have noticed the signs, and /helped, not frigging /killed/ him. I'm such a fool. Everyone hates me now, they ignore me in the cafeteria, turn their backs on me in class. They avoid me like I am the Black Plague. I'm so horrible, all I bring is pain and suffering, all my life it's been that way. Of all the mistakes I've made, how did I not learn from them? I'm a frigging idiot, that's how. I didn't know that John was in love with me, that every word I said to him weighed ten thousand times more than if say, Kitty had told him to screw himself. Guess we're both screwed.

/Well it's getting late

Maybe if I tried

I could find one

Before I die…/

Magneto is feeding off of the pain I bury deep in this heart of mine. He loves it, absolutely frigging loves it. David, well, he's angry with me. He tells me that any cow could have figured out that John had more than a crush on me. I should have listened to David. Wolverine… I don't listen to Wolverine any more. He left me, and now I've killed someone new, and he's nowhere to be found. I hate him to the depths of his soul. I wouldn't have cared about what he said.

/If he's out there somewhere, somewhere

I would give anything to know

Just to hold and to finally have him

Take me to sunrise from indigo/

/Hate him, hate him, hate, hate, hate me, hate me./ Tears stream down my face. I'm left all alone with this black hole where my heart used to be. There is pain, so much pain, but it goes away a little bit when the knife finally touches my skin. It's electric, the first touch, spreading like wildfire up my arm and throughout my body. From there it's all roses. All my hate and fear and /guilt/ flows out of me as thick, as crimson, as blood. Deep, deep cuts, to set the darkness free. Soon the bath water is stained a swirled pink and I feel the light fade.

/It's not over

I'm still standing/

I'm lying on a stiff cot, and there are wires and such attached to me in strange places. A monitor bleeps out my heartbeat. My heartbeat. Wait… No! After the bliss of leaving this world, the pain of reentering it is agony. I close my eyes slowly, and then open them again. I turn to my right… my left. "Damn!" I gasp. There's a figure lying on the cot next to mine, and it kills me to admit that it's the Wolverine. Eyes closed, and covered in bandages, he's been through hell. And he did all that to save me. Does he know that he suffered for nothing? He could have died, and to have that on my conscience would kill me again. Even through I hate him.

/If it's to be

That there is no one for me

I would try not to cry much

So no one'll see/

They tell me that he's returned, that he's asking for me. I don't even have to ask who, everyone else can't stand to be around me. He doesn't know what I've done. They whisper about me in the hallways and don't even lower their voices when I enter a room. To them, I am no longer sentient. And he's asking for me. Oblivious fool.

They lead me to his room, and as soon as I am with him, they leave me, as though they can no longer stand the thought of standing near me for another second. He is getting stronger, almost at the same rate as I am fading away. "Why did you save me, Wolverine." It comes out bitter and more like a command than a question.

"Marie…" I shudder at the utterance of my real name. I'm not even worth that anymore.

"I saved you, because I don't really believe that you wanted to die, and because…"

"Stop. I don't want to hear any more."

"Because I love you, Marie."

"No, you don't." I didn't want to, couldn't believe it.

/I've got some time

So maybe if you're free

I could use a friend

Just to talk to me…/

He loves me, the bastard. I throw more clothes into my duffel. It's my only steady companion, leaving, running with me again. I've only gained one thing in my time here- a white streak in my hair, and nothing else has changed. I am still persecuted for things I have no control over, and now a moron is in love with me. No matter who he is, it's an impossible relationship. I zip up my suitcase and make my way down the stairs and out the front door. Night swallows me up as I leave the school.

/If he's out there somewhere, somewhere

I would give anything to know

Just to hold and to finally have him

Take me to sunrise from indigo/

Unknown location.

I'm freezing, and alone, and a complete idiot. Why did I leave? Everything's gone wrong again, and I miss him. I miss him, and I love him. Why couldn't I see it before? I am such a fool.

/If you're out there somewhere, somewhere

I would give everything to know

If you're out there somewhere, somewhere

Take me from sunrise to indigo/

-To Be Continued in Out There II


End file.
